Polls Close Early As Reward For Everyone’s Hard Work

WASHINGTON—Congratulating the American populace on a job well done, election officials announced Tuesday that polls for the 2026 midterms would be closing early as a reward for everyone’s hard work. “You all pounded the pavement and made your voices heard, so as a special thank-you for doing your civic duty, we’re shutting down right now,” said U.S. Election Assistance Commission spokesperson Adam Gilbert, who told the nation’s 174 million registered voters to “go get some rest” before ordering poll workers across the nation to shut off all the lights and barricade the doors several hours before they would typically close. “Surprise! Instead of wasting your evening waiting in line, why not get yourself a nice dinner, or go hang out with your friends? You’ve all already done so much—now, treat yourself to a little me-time. Go on, America, you deserve it!” At press time, election officials added that the nation’s ballot-counters would also be taking the next three weeks off for a long-overdue vacation.