Neglectful Voter Forced To Fill Out 6 Years’ Worth Of Back Ballots

DENVER—Expressing frustration as poll workers handed him a large stack of election materials, local man Andrew Campbell was reportedly forced to fill out six years’ worth of back ballots Tuesday before he could vote in the 2026 midterms. “I guess I have a few races to catch up on,” said a visibly frazzled Campbell, attempting to parse through the substantial backlog of municipal referendums, Democratic primaries, and general elections for which he had previously neglected to make a selection. “At this rate, I’m going to be here for hours filling out all the bubbles. Who are these people? I don’t recognize a single candidate for city comptroller on any of these forms. Oh, ‘Hickenlooper’ sounds familiar. Let’s go with him for a bunch of answers. ‘No’ on the 2024 measure to allow the regional transport authority to retain and spend revenue, I guess. I think that’s what my opinion was back then. Shoot, this pen is already running out of ink. Wait, Trump or Harris? I could have sworn it was Biden.” At press time, sources confirmed Campbell was still voting on the pile of nearly 700 judicial retention decisions the following morning.